Database Entry: Newscast - Federation Imperialists

Winning the War: Imperialist news commentary

[Author's note - Cedrick Ronan is a news commentator for the Imperialist party in the Federation. He's wrong about most of his facts, I could write a step by step rebuttal of his assessment of the clans; however, that's not my purpose here, Ronan's segment Winning the War is indicative of the general attitude of the Federation and particularly the Imperialist party toward the Clans and the Auld League in general.]

Cedrick Ronan! The voice of the Imperialist party comes to you with an exclusive inside look at the ever growing threat of intergalactic war with the Auld League.

 Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that I must start this program with some very dire news:
 Yesterday, Parliament passed yet another spending cut to our nation's military, reducing the MoD's budget by over 50 billion credits. In the same session we can see that the 'Voices of Peace' held a five hundred thousand man protest outside Parliament pleading for 'reason' when it came to intergalactic wars. Rep Thinson assured the protesters that, "Parliament isn't going to commit to any new wars in this session, the next session, or the one after that. The Federation especially appreciates the good will that it shares will the other members of the Coalition, and our alien friends in the Auld League, the Democratic Republic of Disuka, the Shaoganate, and others."

 There’s something you absolutely have to understand about the clans in the Auld League. They are barbarians. They are savages. They cannot be reasoned with, and the only thing they’ve ever understood or ever will understand is power. I know these barbarians, and I’ve learned they are ridiculously violent, unbelievably violent. If you are a good educated citizen - which I know all of my dedicated viewers are - then you know about the horrific clan feuds. They go out and kill a rival family’s men, women, and children.

 But ladies and gentlemen, that barely scratches the surface of how evil these people are. I have a list here of some of their lesser known horrific practices. It’s a very disturbing list obviously, so I would advise viewer discretion; if you are sensitive to the suffering of others then please make sure your appropriate censorship setting is on.

 First, their Chieftains are total despots, they rule over their clan with an iron fist. They have total control over what their people do or say. They tell their people who they can marry, what job they’re going to take, everything they do is for ‘clan céan,’ that’s a Maddok word meaning ‘clan first.’ It refers to this absolute concept that the good of the clan always comes first. They can’t even think for themselves, just for the clan.

 Next, they are one of few peoples that actively practice something called ‘quality control eugenics,’ that means if you’re born with down syndrome, they kill you in the womb. Even the evil Tautoan empire doesn’t do that. And if they kill you in the womb, what’s to say their Chieftains who have total control over everything else in their life can’t kill them any other time? These despots probably kill whoever they want whenever they want if they can kill children in the womb.

 Again, to talk about just how much control these Chieftains have. According to their code, both parties have to be virgins when they're married. Do you understand that? They don't let the kids have their fun. Even after they become independent adults, they're still under the threat of punishment if they just get laid! My god, no wonder they're so violent considering just how sexually repressed they must be!

 And now the one you knew was coming, their blood sports. My god they love their blood sports. The clans compete against each other, putting contestants forward to fight to the death! Who knows how many millions could be dying from that?

 Their language is riddled with signs of their despicable violence. We have like seven different words for peace. In their language, they have fifteen different words for war, and over five hundred different words for sword. I did not believe my ears when I first heard that. Over five hundred. Ladies and gentlemen, that just reveals how obsessed with violence the clans are.

 This next one really gets to me, one of the biggest sports in the clans is dog fighting. The Society for Animal Life estimates that over thirty million dogs are killed in these fighting pits each year. And these savages love it.

 Ladies and gentlemen, this stirs two feelings in me. I am sickened that a barbarian society like this can exist in today’s universe. But I’m also relieved, relieved that you and I live in the greatest nation that ever was; a nation that firmly stands behind essential, humanitarian values to preserve life and bring wealth and peace to the universe. It is evil forces like the clans who stand for everything we hate. The clans are a threat to our way of life, they are a threat to life itself. I cannot fathom how the Eggies and Plebs (Egalitarians and Plebians) can possibly think we can reason with these barbarians. They are a race of psychopaths. That is foolish, that is irresponsible madness at the highest level. These sexually repressed savages love killing and hate us; why do they hate us? They hate us because they hate us. They only understand power. They only understand strength.

 For Pete’s sake, we must build our military back up to its former glory and support it in a crusade against these clans. Their coward leaders know that they can’t take us in an open honest battle, so they hide behind the mercenary’s neutrality and chip away at us a little by little; while the Eggies and Plebs are letting them! Our military is being gutted at home as they try to appease the forces of evil.

 You can’t appease them forever! It must come to a decisive war if we are to survive. Remember the Guhani disaster! We would’ve walked over that tiny insurrectionist mining colony if they hadn’t hired Clan Doglos to ambush our brave men and women. That is a prime example of Eggie weakness, that is national suicide.

 The Federation and the Coalition in general need to do three things if we’re to continue to thrive against the evil forces in this universe.
 First, we must rearm. We have to raise taxes and at least triple the size of our military, the nuclear arsenal, and bring back the dominator corps.
 Secondly, we must face down the clans; they hate us because they hate us. We will crush them on the battlefield. But only if we return our military to its former glory and return this nation to its Imperialist foundations.
 Thirdly, and I'll leave you with this: We as a people need to replace our trust in our leaders and our grand machine.

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 As always I appreciate your time and would love to hear your critiques, suggestions, observations, and predictions. So feel free to comment or message me. And if you're enjoying Mercs, Feds, and Tribals, then don't forget to subscribe!

Your Servant,
The Chivalrous Rogue